The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – And What to Do Instead

By a Gottman-Informed Couples Counsellor

All couples experience conflict—it’s a normal and even healthy part of a relationship. But some patterns of communication are more damaging than others. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading researchers in the field of relationships, identified four key behaviours that are strong predictors of relationship breakdown. They call them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Thankfully, each of these destructive patterns has a healthy alternative—what the Gottmans call an antidote. Here’s a quick overview to help you recognise and replace unhelpful patterns in your relationship:

1. Criticism

Criticism is more than a complaint—it attacks your partner’s character or personality. For example, “You never think about anyone but yourself.”

Antidote: Gentle Start-Up

Begin conversations with how you feel and what you need, using “I” statements.

→ “I felt overwhelmed doing dinner alone tonight. I’d love more help with the evening routine.”

2. Contempt

Contempt includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, and a tone of superiority. This is the most toxic of the four and the biggest predictor of divorce.

Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation

Intentionally express gratitude and respect. Focus on your partner’s positives, and say thank you often.

→ “I really appreciate you getting the groceries this morning. It made my day easier.”

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of blame-shifting or making excuses. While it’s often a response to feeling criticised, it escalates conflict.

Antidote: Take Responsibility

Even if you’re only partly at fault, owning your part can de-escalate tension and foster connection.

→ “You’re right—I should have checked with you before making plans. I’ll do that next time.”

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down, withdraws, or goes silent, usually to avoid conflict. It’s often a sign of emotional overwhelm.

Antidote: Self-Soothing

Learn to recognise when you’re feeling flooded and take a break to calm your nervous system.

→ “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we pause and come back to this in 20 minutes?”

Understanding the Four Horsemen—and how to respond differently—can make a powerful difference in how you and your partner navigate conflict. As a counsellor trained in the Gottman Method, I often work with couples to identify these patterns and build healthier, more connected ways of relating.

If you'd like to learn more or explore how these ideas apply to your relationship, you're welcome to get in touch.