Navigating Conflict in Relationships
… a Gottman Approach to Resolution
Conflict is a natural and inevitable part of any close relationship. It’s not the presence of conflict that harms a relationship, but how couples handle it. As a couples counsellor trained in the Gottman Method, I help partners develop skills to manage disagreements in a way that actually strengthens their connection, rather than eroding it.
Understanding Conflict: It’s Not About "Winning"
In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we often say: “You can be right, or you can be in relationship.” Many conflicts are not about facts or logic, but about emotions, values, and deeper needs. Research shows that 69% of problems in relationships are “perpetual” — they recur over time due to differences in personality or lifestyle preferences.
So the goal of conflict resolution isn’t to eliminate all disagreements, but to learn how to talk about them in a way that fosters understanding and connection.
The Importance of a Gentle Start-Up
One of the key tools in the Gottman approach is the “gentle start-up” — beginning a difficult conversation without criticism or blame. Starting with “I feel…” rather than “You never…” makes a world of difference. For example:
Criticism: “You’re always on your phone. You don’t care about me.”
Gentle start-up: “I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately and would love some more time together in the evenings.”
This small shift sets the tone for a constructive conversation rather than a defensive argument.
Listening to Understand, Not to Fix
When conflict arises, it’s easy to focus on making your point or proving you’re right. But the Gottman Method encourages attunement — truly listening with empathy, seeking to understand your partner’s inner world.
In sessions, I often guide couples through “dreams within conflict” exercises. These help partners uncover the deeper meanings and hopes underneath their positions. Perhaps that repeated disagreement about holidays isn’t just about where to go, but about one partner’s longing for adventure and the other’s need for rest and security.
When partners feel heard and validated, the tension softens, and new solutions can emerge.
Accepting Influence
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and shared power. One hallmark of strong couples is their willingness to accept influence from each other — to be open to their partner’s perspective, even when they disagree.
This doesn’t mean giving in all the time, but showing that your partner’s thoughts and feelings matter to you. It’s a mindset that says: “Even if I see it differently, I want to understand where you’re coming from.”
Building a Culture of Appreciation
Finally, it’s much easier to navigate conflict when the emotional climate of the relationship is warm and positive. That’s why we also focus on strengthening friendship — by expressing fondness, gratitude, and admiration regularly. This builds what Gottman calls a “positive sentiment override”, which acts like an emotional cushion during times of tension.
In my counselling room, couples learn to build this emotional bank account — not just so they fight less, but so they love better.
A Branch of Hope
As a couples counsellor, I have hope in the power of grace, humility, and restoration. Conflict can be a doorway to deeper intimacy, if we walk through it with courage and kindness.
Whether you're newlyweds learning to communicate, or longtime partners working through long-standing patterns, know this: It’s never too late to grow in how you love.
Need Support?
If you're navigating conflict in your relationship and would like some support, I'm here to help. I offer a calm, confidential space where you can both feel heard and respected. Reach out to learn more or to book a session.