Why Curiosity Matters More Than Assumptions in Relationships

One of the most powerful influences on a relationship is not what our partner does.

It's the meaning we assign to what they do.

Two people can experience exactly the same interaction and arrive at completely different conclusions about what it means.

A partner comes home late.

One person thinks:

"Traffic must have been awful."

Another thinks:

"They don't respect my time."

A text message goes unanswered.

One person thinks:

"They must be busy."

Another thinks:

"I'm clearly not important enough to reply to."

The event is the same.

The story is different.

And often, it is the story—not the event itself—that shapes how we feel and respond.

We Are Meaning-Making Creatures

Human beings naturally create explanations for other people's behaviour.

Our brains are constantly trying to answer questions such as:

• Why did they do that?

• What does that mean?

• What does it say about me?

• What does it say about us?

The challenge is that we often fill in the gaps with assumptions rather than information.

When we don't know why something happened, our minds tend to create a narrative.

Sometimes that narrative is accurate.

Often, it isn't.

Unfortunately, when relationships become strained, the stories we tell ourselves tend to become increasingly negative.

The Lens Through Which We See Our Partner

Relationship researcher Dr John Gottman describes a concept known as positive sentiment override.

In healthy, connected relationships, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Mistakes are interpreted generously.

A forgotten task is viewed as an oversight rather than a personal slight.

A short response is interpreted as stress rather than rejection.

A disagreement is seen as a problem to solve rather than evidence that the relationship is failing.

Positive sentiment override doesn't mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is fine.

It means that the overall goodwill in the relationship acts as a buffer against negative interpretations.

Partners assume positive intent more often than negative intent.

When relationships become distressed, the opposite can occur.

Gottman refers to this as negative sentiment override.

In this state, even neutral or positive behaviours may be interpreted negatively.

A question feels like criticism.

A suggestion feels controlling.

A request feels demanding.

A forgotten task feels intentional.

The lens changes everything.

The Danger of Mind Reading

One of the most common communication traps in relationships is believing we know what our partner is thinking, feeling, or intending.

We tell ourselves:

"They did that because they don't care."

"They're ignoring me on purpose."

"They knew this would upset me."

"If I mattered, they would have..."

The problem is that we rarely have access to another person's internal experience.

What we have are observations.

Everything beyond that is interpretation.

Yet we often treat our interpretations as facts.

This can lead us to respond not to what actually happened, but to the story we've created about what happened.

Curiosity Creates Connection

Curiosity is one of the most underappreciated relationship skills.

Curiosity slows us down.

It creates space between an event and our interpretation of that event.

Instead of assuming, curiosity asks questions.

Instead of concluding, curiosity explores.

Instead of defending, curiosity seeks understanding.

Curiosity sounds like:

"Help me understand what was happening for you."

"Can you tell me more about that?"

"I noticed you seemed quiet tonight. How are you doing?"

"What was your intention there?"

These questions may seem simple, but they fundamentally change the tone of a conversation.

When people feel judged, they tend to defend themselves.

When people feel genuinely understood, they tend to open up.

The Most Generous Interpretation

One exercise I sometimes encourage couples to try is this:

Before reacting to a behaviour, ask yourself:

"What are three possible explanations for this?"

For example:

Your partner forgot to call.

Possible explanation one:
They don't care.

Possible explanation two:
They got caught up in work.

Possible explanation three:
They genuinely thought they had already responded.

The goal is not to convince yourself that every behaviour is acceptable.

The goal is to remember that there is usually more than one possible explanation.

When we automatically choose the most negative interpretation, we increase conflict.

When we remain open to alternative explanations, we increase understanding.

Choosing Connection Over Certainty

Assumptions provide certainty.

Curiosity requires vulnerability.

When we assume we already know why someone acted a certain way, we feel confident.

Unfortunately, we may also be wrong.

Curiosity asks us to tolerate not knowing.

To gather more information.

To remain open to the possibility that our first interpretation is incomplete.

This doesn't mean ignoring red flags or dismissing concerns.

It simply means approaching our partner with openness rather than accusation.

Building a Culture of Goodwill

Healthy relationships are not built on perfection.

They are built on goodwill.

They are built on repeatedly choosing to believe that the person we love is generally trying their best, even when they make mistakes.

They are built on giving the benefit of the doubt while still addressing concerns.

They are built on asking questions before drawing conclusions.

Every relationship experiences misunderstandings.

Every partner gets things wrong.

The difference is often not whether mistakes occur, but how those mistakes are interpreted.

When we approach our partner with curiosity instead of certainty, generosity instead of suspicion, and openness instead of assumption, we create more opportunities for connection.

And connection, more than being right, is what allows relationships to thrive.